Falling Apart
by dreamgoddess'92
Summary: After the events in "Outfoxed" Emily tries unsuccessfully to pull herself together. With mixed feelings and tension in the team, Emily tries to rid Hotch of the guilt he harbors for putting her in a damaging position.
1. Guilt

Hey everyone!

Alright, so I am so stoked for this Wednesday's CM episode "100": It will be epic and I have a feeling I will be freaking out the entire episode! (I do know that Hotch and Jack with be reunited and it will be so emotional. Paget Bewster said so in an interview in the TV guide) "Outfoxed" was absolutely awesome, just like I thought it would be. A little over 1/2 way through the show I was like 'Foyet mailed him...I just know it." I hate being right. *laugh* I really had to do something with this episode though, so here's my take on after the show ended. (will be multichapter)

I don't own Criminal Minds (just give me time though) nor "Over My Shoulder" by Mika

Please enjoy and review!

* * *

_Over my shoulder, running away._

_Feels like I'm falling; losing my way._

_Cold and dry_

Emily wasn't sure what was worse.

The fact the team was fussing over her or the fact they were all basically shooting daggers at Hotch. Well Reid wasn't really looking at Hotch to be honest; he was more focused on Emily's pallor and blank stare. JJ, upon seeing Emily's disturbed countenance, had quickly walked to her friend's side to see how she was. Morgan barely suppressed his anger towards his once leader as Emily spoke quietly to the team, assuring them she was fine when she clearly wasn't. Her voice was soft and little expression reached her dark eyes. Rossi stood by Hotch resisting the urge to smack the younger man upside the head.

"What happened Emily?" JJ finally asked as Emily took a seat. She didn't answer right away. Honestly, Emily was still trying to block out the cruel laughter of the Fox and the vivacious cries of his fellow inmates. Emily swallowed her revulsion and took a deep breath in. The team waited for Emily to gather her thoughts. The tension was making it difficult for her to breathe. She glanced at Hotch who looked down in anguish at the obvious pain he had caused her. Emily fought back her tears.

Reid, seeing the exchange between Emily and Hotch, gently laid a hand on her shoulder. Emily looked up and smiled tentatively at him, but it did not reach her eyes. Reid could see the shame and anger reflecting in her dead pools of brown and immediately understood her emotions a little more. He squeezed her shoulder and encouraged her to go on. He would help her through it. Emily felt JJ grab her hand and felt the numbness in her body dissipate a little.

Quietly Emily recounted the day's events, leaving out a few details to spare Hotch any more disapproving glares. She had to stop once or twice to fight the onslaught of emotions that fell upon her like an avalanche. JJ gripped her hand tighter as she mentioned the loud cries of the inmates; Reid squeezed her shoulder as she talked about the way the Fox had addressed her. Morgan clenched his fist as she told them about her personal conversation with the Fox and Rossi shook his head once Emily mentioned whom the letters were from.

The entire team was now torn between feeling pity for Hotch and anger at their ex-leader who had put Emily in such a position. It was obvious that she was suffering from their encounter with the notorious serial killer. It went without saying that Hotch had used Emily to get what they had needed.

Emily wasn't sure what was worse.

The fact that the team was torn so vividly from guilt and anger or the fact she was the reason they were torn. If she had managed to pull herself together before she and Hotch had reunited with the team, they would be fully concerned about Hotch and have no inkling of the inner turmoil that was raging inside of her. It was bad enough that she felt the sting of shame from being so affected by the Fox; she didn't need the guilt of deterring the team from the real problem at hand.

Once she had finished telling the team of her encounter with the Fox she put her head in her hands to hide her face from them. She didn't want their concerned stares and their looks of outrage directed towards Hotch. It wasn't his fault; he had tried to comfort Emily, but was unable to due to their location. Hotch had only done what was necessary to catch their unsub. Emily knew deep down they all knew that, but they still couldn't condone his actions after seeing Emily's distressed state.

Reid quickly rummaged though his bag and pulled out a bottle of aspirin. He handed two pills to Emily as JJ grabbed her water bottle and gave it to the ragged woman beside her. Emily thanked them and quickly took the pills. The cool water was a godsend as it helped Emily wash the bad taste the Fox had left in her mouth. She tried not to focus on the throbbing of her head as JJ gently rubbed her friend's back supportively. Emily couldn't help but feel worse as her friends coddled her like she was a child. She shouldn't have been affected so severely.

She felt like she had let them down; she had let Hotch down and that hurt worst of all.

Morgan sighed and told the team to pack up: They were going home. No one argued and they packed up with haste. They all wanted to get home as soon as possible. Emily continued to sit in her chair; JJ had grabbed her stuff from the hotel earlier. Reid stayed by Emily's side, offering a much comfort as his awkward self would allow. He understood what it was like to feel that you had let the team down because a serial killer had gotten under your skin. He could relate to the myriad of emotions that were coursing through Emily's veins. The team continued to watch Emily like hawks and brush past Hotch as if he was a piece of furniture.

They knew it was immature and unhealthy to treat a teammate in such a fashion, but when they would look at Emily's damaged spirit they would be fueled with anger at their previous leader. It had to be done, they all knew that, but it didn't mean they were happy about it: Far from it actually. They secretly wondered how Emily would pass this hurdle the job had unfairly thrown at her.

- - - - - - - - -

The team didn't say much on the plane ride home.

Emily didn't budge an inch as she stared outside the plane window. She was beginning to feel as if she was losing touch with the real world as her encounter with the Fox replayed in her mind over and over like some sick slasher flick at the cinema. She tried to ignore the whispers the team tossed back in forth and the grim expression that Emily knew was plastered on Hotch's face. He sat far away from the team so he could wallow in self-loathing and who knew what else. It was clear to Emily that the worst of his guilt had yet to come. That realization made Emily sink deeper into the hole she was digging for herself.

It didn't help that Morgan, who was sitting across from her at the table, occasionally glared behind her where Hotch was sitting. Emily was half tempted to glare at Morgan himself, but she didn't have it in her to defend Hotch right now. She was content to know that Rossi was keeping an eye on Hotch so she wouldn't have to-at least for now that is.

Reid was buried in some novel as he sat next to Emily, silently giving her the support he knew she needed. Emily couldn't help but be grateful for the genius who seemed to understand the inner battle that was raging inside of her. She'd find some way to thank him, eventually.

Once the plane landed, Emily felt exhaustion posses her and suddenly didn't want to move. All she wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and face the day another time. She didn't want to spend the night alone in her empty apartment, she had no desire to go back to the office at all, and she definitely didn't want to face the team. Even though they had been watching her, Emily felt as if they were seeing more of what she was subjected to and less of how she truly felt. They didn't understand.

"Emily, we've landed." Reid said gently, laying his hand on her arm. Emily jerked away from his touch as Reid's voice perforated her thoughts. She hadn't meant to, but he startled her. The numbness that had encompassed her earlier was devouring her being as she sat staring out the window. Reid withdrew his hand and Emily looked over towards him apologetically. He smiled softly and nodded slightly to show he wasn't offended.

Morgan stiffened when he saw Emily flinch and silently cursed as he saw how her body seemed to curl inward slightly, as if she was trying to protect herself. Her left arm wrapped around her waist in defense and she tried to protest as Reid grabbed both his bag and hers. He shook her off and lightly nudged her forward with his crutch.

Reluctantly Emily followed JJ off the plane silently. She was tempted to look back at Hotch, but decided against it. Emily ended up in a car with Morgan, Reid and JJ and she watched as Rossi and Hotch got in the other one. Hotch looked at her as she shut her door and Emily saw the deep regret that inhabited his eyes. Emily wanted nothing more than to get out of the car and go to him, but Morgan drove away before her hand could touch the handle again. Hotch watched them drive away and Emily watched him. JJ patted Emily's arm as she saw where her friend's eyes were staring.

No one said anything on the ride back to Quantico; no one knew what to say.

Once they arrived back at the office Emily rushed inside to escape everyone. She wasn't sure how much more of it she could take. She understood why they were concerned and angry, but they didn't need to be. Eventually Emily would return to normal and they could focus on Foyet. Hotch was the one who they should be worried about, not her. Emily sat down at her desk and closed her eyes.

Truth be told, Emily just wanted to go home. She didn't want to do paperwork and she definitely didn't want to be studied by her teammates. Emily took a deep breath in and tried to relax her tense muscles. She was no good to the team in this state.

"I want everyone to go home and get a good night's rest." Morgan said, breaking Emily's concentration. She opened her eyes and saw the team looking at her intently, like she was an unstable science experiment. Emily found Hotch in the little crowd and met his eyes for the first time in hours. She felt her heart break as he looked away in shame. She couldn't deal with this anymore.

"Emily, maybe one of us should drive you home." Rossi said taking a step towards her. Emily looked at him but couldn't respond. It felt like suddenly the day's events had finally hit her. The inmate's jeers filled her brain and Emily shut down. The Fox's laughter invaded her senses and Emily was transported back to that cold room. Emily felt trapped once more.

"Emily…" Morgan said touching her arm in worry. She wasn't responding. It was like her body shut down in self-defense: She was rebooting so to speak. Once Morgan realized Emily wasn't going to respond, he turned to Hotch. "Look what you've done!" he exclaimed trying to keep in anger in check.

Hotch looked up and his eyes fell upon Emily who had turned into a silent statue. He felt his pulse quicken as he saw the fire leave her body and the cloud of depression hover over her pale frame.

Emily could faintly register Morgan's voice reprimanding Hotch; she had to do something. She had to defend him. Before Morgan could start in on Hotch again, Emily's hand shot out and grabbed Morgan as he took a threatening step towards him. Morgan looked down, anger still blazing in his eyes.

"Don't." Emily's hoarse voice said. Morgan started to protest but she looked up at him, some of the fire returning to her eyes as she realized he would continue to give Hotch hell. "Morgan, don't," she said once more regaining her sense of sanity. Defeated, Morgan stepped back and reigned in his rage. The team let out the breath they had been holding as Emily slowly stood up.

Emily turned to Hotch and her gaze steadied him. "Take me home." Emily said; she didn't ask him, she told him, and yet there was a hint vulnerability in her statement that Hotch didn't miss. Hotch paused a second before nodding. The team didn't try to hide their shock as Emily bent down to grab her stuff. Reid was the only one who seemed perfectly okay with what had just transpired. Then again, he understood.

Hotch walked towards Emily and she met him halfway. They stared at each other for a moment before they turned and walked out the door. The team didn't fail to notice how Hotch laid a gentle hand on her lower back and guided her out the office. They didn't know what had just happened, but they knew deep down that it was up to Hotch to set things right.

They just weren't sure if he could this time.

_Cold and dry._

_Fog out my daylight: torture my night._

_Feels like I'm falling, far out of sight._

_Cold, drunk, tired, lost._

* * *

Glad I got that out of my system. I felt so bad for Emily and Hotch. It was awful watching how upset she was about the whole Fox thing. I really wanted to show her trying (and failing) to cope with the ordeal. Also I can see the team being angry at Hotch for putting Emily in such a position. It's bad enough that she had to face the Fox but the fact Foyet was incorporated into the episode was horrible. If they don't kill him or something in 100 I'll be upset. He needs to go away (or die) so Hotch can have his son back and focus on a relationship with Emily. *smile*

I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter of my story. I'll post the second one (and it might only end up being 2 chapters) hopefully tonight.

Peace out!


	2. Hope

Yay, part two!

I guess I was able to finish this tonight. To be honest I hate starting a story and not being able to finish it the day I start it. Especially if the story is only two to three chapters. I really hope you like this last chapter, I don't really think Emily and Hotch are OOC because honestly, if I were Hotch and all this crap was going on and then Emily was being all depressed and stuff, I'd probably snap a little. God knows the man needs to let of some steam somehow, or he's gonna explode. That would be bad.

(I do not own "Hope for the Hopeless" by A Fine Frenzy either)

Please enjoy and review (it makes me very happy!)

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_Stitch in your knitted brow_

_And you don't know how_

_You're gonna get it out_

_Crushed under heavy chest_

_Trying to catch your breath_

_But it always beats you by a step, all right now_

To say that the car ride to Emily's was awkward would be a vast understatement.

Emily wasn't sure what to say and Hotch didn't did feel like saying anything. He didn't know what she had hoped to accomplish by having him drive her home and he wasn't sure what he had hoped for when he agreed. Maybe it was to escape the glares of his-well, _the_-team. Maybe it was to apologize to Emily, but now that he had the opportunity Hotch didn't exactly know how to start. There was a part of him that thought he shouldn't be allowed to apologize, he didn't deserve to say his piece.

He had used the one person who had helped put him back together after Foyet's attack. He was the last person who deserved her forgiveness.

Emily fought the urge to glance over at Hotch. She didn't even bother to consider that Hotch was having trouble trying to apologize to her. In Emily's opinion he didn't have anything to be sorry about in the first place. He did what he had to do and Emily held no grudge against him for his call. It had been the only way.

She wanted to apologize to him though, for letting him down. She couldn't believe she had been so weak: Emily was not a weak person, by any means. She was an outstanding at compartmentalizing and she had always been able to keep her cool under duress; not this time apparently.

Emily knew with a good nights rest that she'd be as good as new in the morning. Sure, her encounter with the Fox would be a memory Emily would never forget, but it was something that would cease to bother her once time passed. Her main concern was the taciturn man sitting inches away from her. Emily had seen the article. '_Look at what I've done_.' Emily remembered bitterly. Her blood boiled as she remembered Foyet's note to Karl. Thinking back, Emily wasn't surprised to see that it made sense. It made all the sense in the world. If she had just grabbed that damn book…

Hotch stoped the car in her apartment's parking lot and looked over at Emily who had closed her eyes in defeat. It was clear that she was dealing with some sort of guilt, but that didn't make any sense to Hotch.

Realizing that they had stopped, Emily opened her eyes and looked around. She was home. Looking down at her hands, Emily cleared her throat. "Do you want to come up?" she asked not really expecting him to say yes. Emily knew she'd probably not get a chance to talk to him for a while; that was just how Hotch was. He didn't answer. Emily took his silence as a 'no' and sighed.

She opened her door and before she closed it she froze. "I'm sorry." Emily said just loud enough for Hotch to hear before shutting the door and walking quickly to the sanctuary of her apartment. Hotch watched her, stunned at her words and felt the strange urge to laugh come over him.

She was apologizing to him? Emily, who he had put in the most uncomfortable situation known to man, was apologizing to him? Hotch was beyond confused. What was she thinking? If anything, he should be begging for her forgiveness. He had used her, something he vowed he would never do to anyone on the team: Especially Emily. Hotch was thrown for a loop as he sat in his car, contemplating the right course of action. Of course he had to know why she said she was sorry. He had to know what was going on in that exquisite mind of hers.

Deciding not to waste any more time, Hotch turned his car off and rushed up to Emily's apartment, trying to decipher the meaning of her apology with each step that he took. She couldn't be serious, could she? What did she have to be sorry for? Emily went above and beyond the call of duty when she was interviewing the Fox. Hotch had been very impressed at her professionalism despite her occasional moments of doubt.

Once he reached her door, Hotch steadied his breathing and knocked loudly on her door. He couldn't figure it out; it made no sense to him. He knocked a little harder after a few seconds had past and she hadn't answered the door. Before he could lose his patience with her, Emily opened her door. She was shocked to see him there.

Hotch didn't miss a beat.

"Why are you sorry?" he asked trying to keep his breath even. Perhaps rushing up the stairs hadn't been the best idea.

"What?" Emily asked trying to process why Hotch was out of breath and standing outside of her door. Hotch resisted the urge to reach over and shake the woman in front of him.

"You heard me Prentiss." Hotch said deciding he wasn't going to do this the easy way. Emily stepped back a little at the hard quality in his voice. He was obviously upset at her, but Emily couldn't fathom why. Then again, she wasn't exactly in the best shape.

Hotch watched as realization dawned on Emily and then sadness overtake the knowing look in her eyes. He felt frustration bubble up inside of him as Emily replied. "Because, I was weak. I let Karl get to me and I almost let the team down because of my emotions."

Hotch felt as if he had been sucker punched in the gut as the words left Emily's mouth as if she had been reciting them. Is that what she thought? That she had let them down? The answer was clear in her eyes and Hotch felt overwhelming quilt crash into him. He had done this to her, it was his fault.

Emily saw dozens of emotions flash across Hotch's face from anger to guilt in a manner of seconds. His mask was slipping as he brushed past her, into her apartment. He turned to look at her, fire burning in his eyes.

"No, you have nothing to be sorry about. I can't believe you would even think that." Hotch said wishing he could make her see he was to blame. Why didn't she blame him?

"That's not true Hotch…" Emily began but Hotch's raised voice stopped her.

"Not true? Emily I don't know what's gotten into you, but if anyone should be sorry it's me. I did this, not you." Hotch said gesturing to Emily's run down state.

She was still as pale as the moon with dark circles under her eyes and dark eyes where fire once burned. She was a mess and it was all because Hotch had to use her the way he did. She should be yelling at him, not blaming herself.

Emily was shocked. Well, maybe not too shocked. She knew very well that he was going to blame himself. Hotch was always like that, blaming himself for every little thing. It didn't really occur to Emily to blame him though. The last thing Hotch needed was her reproaching him for something that had to be done. Emily closed her door, not wanting her neighbors to hear Hotch's raised voice. She guessed that they were going to have a talk now.

"Hotch, you did what was necessary to get the job done." Emily said watching him carefully.

Hotch froze at her words, but they did anything put pacify him. Truth be told, her logical and calm words only infuriated him more. Emily spoke up again before he could snap back at her.

"I don't blame you," she said meeting his eyes stubbornly. Hotch wasn't sure whether to shake her or yell at her. She was out of her mind. Emily had never been shy about telling Hotch how things were. She certainly didn't mind telling him whether or not she agreed with what he did. This though, her denial that he had done anything wrong made Hotch feel worse than he already did (if that was possible).

"You should. I used you." Hotch said coldly, trying to bring the fire back to Emily's eyes. He wanted her to fight him, he wanted her to hit him, yell at him. He wanted her to blame him. Anything was better than this passive woman who stood before him, defeated.

Emily didn't blink when she answered him. "I know. It had to be done though, there was not other way." Emily replied as she wrapped her arms around her waist to keep out the cold.

Hotch felt like he was losing his mind. "Emily, I used you and you're standing there telling me that you know and you basically don't care. Don't you see what's wrong with that?" Hotch asked clenching his fists.

Emily shook her head slowly. Hotch snapped.

In two large strides he was in front of her. Hotch grabbed Emily's arms and shook her. Not hard enough to hurt her, but with enough force to make her flinch.

"Snap out of it dammit! Why can't you just blame me? I did this to you. My own selfish actions hurt you. Emily, you should be fighting me; you should be angry at me, not blaming yourself. This is all my fault." Hotch said harshly trying desperately to invoke a passionate response from Emily who was normally filled to the brim with passion for her job, for life in general.

Something in Emily broke as the man in front of her shook her. She could see the endless guilt in his dark eyes and the small traces of moisture in their deep depths. Emily couldn't let him to this to himself. Not again.

"You want me to be angry at you? Fine, consider me angry Aaron Hotchner!" Emily exclaimed suddenly pushing Hotch away from her. Hotch was shocked but nonetheless pleased as a sudden flash of anger darted across her eyes.

"You know why I'm angry?" Emily said taking a step towards him, eyes blazing with a hidden anger Emily normally controlled with grace. Hotch didn't speak, knowing very well that she'd tell him anyway.

"I'm angry because here you are, yelling at me to blame you, when in reality there is no reason to blame you for anything. Day after day I watch you slip into a self-induced coma of self-loathing and endless guilt for events you have no control over. I have never felt the need nor desire to blame you for any of the events that have transpired during the time I've worked for you."

"Though now, seeing the shadow of the man you once were, I feel like it is your fault. It's your fault you're letting your life become meaningless because you feel the need to wallow in guilt and darkness instead of toughing it out and showing the world, especially the BAU, how strong you really are!" Emily cried regaining the flame that burned brightly in her.

Hotch seemed to lose his words at Emily's declaration.

Emily regained her composure and spoke with a gentler tone to the man whom she would follow anywhere.

"Hotch, you've got to let go of that guilt. You've got to realize that what has happened with Foyet is beyond your control. I can't stand to see you beat yourself up everyday over what that bastard has done." Emily felt her hear ache as she recalled what it had been like just after Foyet's attack. She couldn't let him continue on like that.

Hotch seemed to snap out of his daze as Emily approached him slowly and put her hands on his chest.

"I believe that you will catch him Hotch, I truly do." Emily said softly looking at her hands. Hotch felt the tension leave his body as Emily leaned in and loosely wrapped her arms around his back, lending him a bit of the strength that she had stored away. This was all she could give him right now, and all he could take. It wasn't much, but Hotch couldn't help but feel it would be all he would need for a long time.

Hotch hugged her back and they stood in the middle of her hallway embracing each other, saying more than words could say. For a moment Hotch could see what she saw. Emily had always been on his side; she'd always be loyal to him. That fact alone burned away some of the doubt he had resting in his heart about the outcome of his job once Foyet was caught.

Emily broke away first and Hotch was relieved to see the color had returned to her skin and the fire was in her eyes once more. It seemed all she needed was a little shake in the right direction, and so did he. Emily smiled at him and he smiled back shyly. This was a turning point.

Hotch, deciding he needed to head home so Emily could get some sleep, said good night and Emily said the same. Part of him wanted to stay and he could tell Emily wanted him to as well, but they both knew it wasn't the right time for that.

Emily shut the door once Hotch said he'd see her tomorrow and she leaned against it, not knowing that on the other side Hotch was doing the very same thing. They could feel each other and they couldn't help but smile as they realized they were always going to have someone who was there for them. Someone who would be there to make sure the darkness never outweighed their hope.

_Making the best of it_

_Playing the hand you get_

_You're not alone in this_

_There's hope for the hopeless_

_There's hope for the hopeless_

_There's hope…_

* * *

Well, there it is. *laugh* I didn't want to make them all lovey dovey this time because I honestly think that will totally happen after Foyet and if it doesn't I'm gonna have to have some words with CM writers. Honestly, what's their deal? If the CSI writers can put Grissom and Sara together, and the Bones writers put Booth and Bones together (which we all know they will) why can't the CM writers suck it up and let Hotch/Prentiss hook up already? *sigh* If I owned CM...well, lets just say there'd be a lot of happy people out there! =)

So, I hope you all enjoyed my story. I can't wait for "100" this Wednesday! (I hope you all can't either)

Peace out.


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